me . . .

Yes, I am pretty organized . . . BUT NOT ALWAYS.  I had a friend rejoicing because I screwed up on an evite to her party.  It was an adult only party and I RSVP'd for the six of us.  I didn't read the evite, I just figured since they have four kids it would be a kid friendly party.  I had to scrambled to find a sitter, I found a sitter and we went to the party.  Last week Teddy had a party at school and the point of the party was to drop off school supplies.  I didn't read that part.  I just skimmed the headline, put it in my datebook and made sure either David or I could take him.  Yesterday, I had to get two kids to a doctor appointment and another one to his internship at the same time.  I didn't schedule that one well either.  David had to skip a meeting to help me.  So to all you friends who think I have this thing called "LIFE" buttoned down, streamlined, perfectly organized . . . I DO NOT.  I am outnumbered right now, four kids and one of me isn't really so streamlined.  But you know what it's still summer, I don't set aside twenty free minutes without kids to make a phone call or check my calendar or make sure I perfectly have this or that day schedule.  And I don't really care.  It's all getting done, it's just getting done on MY summer schedule. Oh and for the record, yes this is driving me nuts!  Nuts!  But for those of us with a little bit of 'control freak' in us it's good.  It's good for me to get things wrong, even though I loathe it!  It's good for me to not have everything under control.  It's good, because you know what in the big scheme of things, it just don't matter if I RSVP to something wrong, at least I RSVP'd.  If I don't drop off Teddy's school supplies two weeks before school starts, if David has to miss a meeting (well that one isn't great) . . . . it A-L-L still works out.

As some of you may know or figured out, we lost our baby back in May.  Yes, it was a horrible experience, I was four months along.  For those of you who have been through this, my deepest apologies to you, your body, your head and your families.  This was a tough nut to crack.  I had to carry the baby around in my body knowing she was deceased and put on a smiley face for our children until I could have the dreaded D and C (Dilation and Curettage Procedure) in the morning.  It was unpleasant when the anesthesiologist walked in to confirm they were performing an abortion on me.  It was awful to be pregnant, then pregnant with a dead baby and then not pregnant all in 24 hours.  How does your head catch up?  Slowly.  We have a very small pink urn on our mantle.  There isn't much left after a D and C and the size of a four month fetus isn't big (the size of an avocado), but I thought we should have her cremated and keep the ashes.  I now have a collection, my grandfather, my mother and our baby that didn't make it.  Sad.  Wow, I didn't think this post was going to go this way, but it did so I'm going with it.  I learned a lot from loosing our daughter, I can't control everything.  And although it's rewarding, powerful and calming for me to be right, be organized, it's OK if I'm not.  It's just OK.  It will all get done.

When we lost the baby I had to deal.  I had to get my head on straight and quick.  I had the D and C on a Tuesday and Teddy celebrated his 5th birthday that Saturday.  I still had a huge belly with no baby in it and we had to host a 50 person party.  David sent out an email to our guests begging them not to discuss the issue with me.  Most people followed our request, I understand that some just couldn't and wanted to give me a huge for me and possibly for themselves.  I learned a sense of calmness from this experience, a sense of acceptance and a feeling that life is a journey good and bad.  Loosing our baby was awful, but I am a calmer person for it.  I swear that baby girl left a very calm spirit inside me.  Yes, this sounds very 'WOO WOO and crazy', but it's true.  Yes, I still loose my cool from time to time, I'm Italian for f's sake.  I can't control everything, I can't have everything organized and that is a nice feeling because controlling everything and getting everything right is a VERY big job.  I have other things to do.


P.S.  This post is really tripping me out.  All of this just rolled out of me and today is my Birthday.  It was out of my 'control.'  Happy Thursday to you and to me!