DAY 3, kids . . .

Let's recap real quick.  DAY ONE post was my biggest parental peeve, saying 'you are OK to your child' or 'it's OK.'  Why is this my pet peeve???  Well let's see how do I say this lightly . . . you have NO IDEA how your child or anyone for that matter is feeling, so to say 'you are OK' is a HUGE dismissal of feelings.  So instead try and say a simple, 'I'm sorry you are hurt, or bummed or whatever.' DAY TWO.  The post was called sit back and relax.  I mean it folks.  Let's let our children learn how to do for themselves!  Let them feel the joys and the sorrows of life.  Let them pick out their clothes, let them do their own homework, let them live.  Let your children get their own jacket, let your child order at a restaurant.  My kids have to order their own food, and guess what if they don't . . . they don't get food.  My kids are so excited when they order their own food and the server says, of course and then brings them their food.  HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT!  And while they are discussing what they want with the server I am sitting back and relaxing.  Let your children make mistakes . . . if your child forgets to bring their lunch to school, DON'T BRING IT TO THEM!  They will not starve!  My step-son forgets his lunch once a year, only once.  Now he thinks it's funny and he says he gets the best food from his friends.  The first year it happened, the school called twice to tell me he didn't have his lunch.  I knew why they were calling because I saw his lunch in the fridge.  I ignored the calls, but listened to the messages just in case their was a true emergency.  Yes, he was mad when he got home and so was my husband (actually my husband was furious).  After I explained to both of them that I won't be bringing his forgotten lunch or homework to grade school, high school or college either they got the point.  So join in folks . . . sit back and relax.  Let your children learn some lessons in the safety of your home!  

DAY THREE . . . Shame!  I have seen a counselor for a number of years.  She is like my morning cup of coffee.  I use to go in their every week and talk about my life, good and bad.  I learned and am still learning so much from her.  One of her biggest rules is to not SHAME!  Do you know what it means.  Here is a good definition.

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Here is how shaming works.  A parent says to their child . . . 'eat your pizza,' they say 'no.'  The parent says 'well look at William's plate, he ate all his pizza and had seconds.'  Hmmm what's the goal there?  The goal of the parent is to get the child to eat their pizza.  But, the path to get their is shaming.  By comparing one child to the other, the parent is making the non-pizza eater feel horrible about not eating pizza.  This isn't parenting, this isn't communicating, this is not the path to get children or anyone to do what you want.

Here's another example.  You are at a soccer game and you hear a parent talking to another parent about how awful her five year old (who is standing right there) was that morning.  The child wouldn't put on her shoes, the child wouldn't eat her breakfast, the child wouldn't do this or that, the child is so difficult.  Imagine how that little one is feeling hearing her mother say all these horrible things about her.  This is shaming folks!  Yep, maybe that kid did have a bad day . . . we all do.  Just think, we don't throw our husbands or partners under the bus in front of them to our friends.  Don't do it to your kids!  They can hear and understand EVERYTHING!  If you need a break from your kiddos, take one!

There is plenty about shaming on the internet.  Here are a few articles . . .

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/26/brene-brown-shame_n_3807115.html

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201209/shaming-children-is-emotionally-abusive

 

:)